Signs You’ve Watched Too Many X-Files

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I went from being nonexistent to a very ambitious preschool kid. During this time span (from conception to school days), I had no clue that my parents were watching one of the most popular and thrilling sci-fi shows from the turn of the century (clearly the aliens didn’t wipe us out at the stroke of the year 2000).

A little over twenty years later, and I’ve been sucked into the vortex. Of reruns, that is. Instead of streaming new and endless shows like most young adults my age, I plop on the couch at night to see what outlandish journeys Agents Mulder and Scully have manged to get themselves into.

I’m no stranger to the sci-fi world, and I’m surprised I don’t have a permanent residence in the Twilight Zone! The X-Files’ mysterious and intriguing array of topics both mirrored and expanded upon other shows and films I’d already seen (ie. 👽👻🧛‍♂️🧟🔮🪄🦠). One episode led to another, and I, amazingly, was still able to sleep at night and stay sane!

Well, scratch that. The plots and partnerships featured in the famous series are so compelling that it IS possible to suffer from an X-File sort of mania.

Not sure if you’ve been seeing too much of Mulder and Scully? Here are the dangerous signs:

✅️ You firmly believe that “Fox” is a perfectly normal name for a child.

✅️ Every person who smokes could have a connection to “Smoking Man.” 🚬 How do we know they’re not related?

✅️ You have to keep rewatching epsiodes and seasons to keep track of alien abductions and to figure out which side of the X-files Assistant Director Skinner is on!

✅️ If you don’t say “Agent” before someone’s last name, you’re doing it wrong! First names are entirely overrated.

✅️ You have dreams that seem like they’d make for good X-File plots

✅️ You’re a teacher and now your students pop up in your weird X-File dreams–now ya gotta teach ’em and save ’em

✅️ You have a ridiculous dream that actor David Duchovny has actually been your neighbor in your small town for years (????)

✅️ At this point, stop having dreams. The episodes with parasites will keep you freaked out for days, so who needs sleep?

✅️ Assume there can always be a medical theory behind something bizarre, even if you have to use the words “although rare…” somewhere in your sentences.

✅️ Come to the conclusion that Cigarette Smoking Man is still secretly controlling government events. It would explain a LOT!

✅️ Constantly call Agent Doggett by the name “Gallo” in you head because you apparently knew him from the TV show Scorpion (CBS) first 🤔

✅️ Plus, freak out when your friend actually meets actor Robert Patrick at a fancy dinner event.

✅️ Assume every villain could be an alien. If green goo gushes from the bullet holes, back up and don’t breathe too closely…obviously!

✅️ Highly appreciate all the miles racked up on the FBI’s late ’90s/early ’00s model cars

✅️ Mulder and Scully clearly don’t have personal lives. If you’re still sitting in front of the screen, well, neither do you!

And if these warning signs seem too familiar, then welcome to the club. We all “want to believe!”